Sometimes You Just Have To Learn To Accept Lemons

First off I just have to say "Thank You" to everyone who has expressed concern and love to Matt and I over the last week. It has been a roller coaster of emotions, but we are starting to feel better.
My mom was able to rearrange her work schedule so she could come out and be with me for the first part of the week, since Matt had finals until Wednesday night and I didn't want to stress him out. It was so nice to have her here so that he could focus on school and not have to worry about me. It was also really nice because she kept me busy and didn't let me get bored. If I get bored then I start thinking and I get sad and start crying. Mom and I decided to make carseat covers so that she could take them to work and sell them, because a lot of the girls there want them to give as gifts. So we went to JoAnns to get fabric, and while we were there I saw someone with the carseat that I had picked out (it was the first time I'd ever seen anyone with it) and I almost started crying. Mom had to remind me that it was ok, and that this will happen for us at sometime, right now just wasn't that time. I've decided that while I can't find any reason to like what has happened I just have to accept it. I can't change it. But I can change the way I react to it. I've just had to look for the positives where I can find them. Things like, now I can take Ibuprofen, I can have blue cheese on my salad, and milk products don't make me sick. Small things that I was perfectly willing to sacrifice, but they are things that I missed. So I'll take joy in those and maybe learn accept what has happened as a part of God's plan for me.

Life Can Change In An Instant

It is amazing how quickly life can change...Friday morning I was having a great day. I had finished my 20 page capstone paper and it was pretty darn good, I think. My Geography final was over, all I had left for finals week were a few small assignments. None of this has changed at all, yet it doesn't seem as important. The biggest change is that Friday morning I was daydreaming about getting to hear my baby's heart beat later that day. But that moment never came. Instead I found out that my baby had died, and that I would be miscarrying. To say that Matt and I were devastated would be a gross understatement. We both felt so incredibly empty inside, it was like a part of our hearts had been ripped out. We were disappointed, we were sad, we were mad, we were confused, we were a whole lot of every negative emotion known to man. We had been so excited to be parents. It was a dream come true for us. We had felt such a strong feeling from Heavenly Father that we needed to start our family, and then to loose that opportunity felt like we'd had the rug pulled out from under our feet. We had been so excited about eventually getting to meet this little one, who had become very real to us. Even though the baby was still little and I wasn't really showing much, this child was real to us, it was our baby. It was a little bit of me and a little bit of Matt, it was us. In one moment that was gone. We were never going to get to hold this little one, we weren't going to get to gaze at him or her and try to come up with a name. So many dreams were gone. In their place were so many tears. All Friday afternoon was filled with tears.Without a doubt this is the hardest trial Matt and I have ever gone through,together or by ourselves.
But we know that with each other and our Heavenly Father we can make it through this. He has showed us that he cares for us in so many ways already. If I had ever had any doubt about Him knowing who I am and loving me, those doubts are gone. I know without a doubt that my Heavenly Father knows me personally and knows what I can and cannot do. He knows what I need and he puts things in place so I can have them. He knew that this was going to happen, He knew that I would need to see my family, especially my mom. So he put a youth temple trip in place for mom and dad's ward this weekend. He made it possible so that I wouldn't have any finals during finals week so that I could handle this without the added stress of a miscarriage. He knew that I would need something to distract me from my own trials, so He inspired our bishop to call me to be the Relief Society President. He knew I would need someone to lean on, but that it would need to be someone other than Matt, at least until his finals are done, so He made it possible for my mom to come and stay with me. HE KNOWS ME! HE LOVES ME!He has inspired me to find scriptures that I need. He has blessed me to have men in my life who hold the priesthood who can give me blessings. He has blessed me with an added measure of the spirit. This is not an easy trial to go through, but the help of Heavenly Father, our families, our friends, and our ward, we will be able to get through this. One day at a time, One moment at a time. I know that someday Matt and I will be blessed with children, now just wasn't the right time. And maybe, I needed this trial to show me that I can't go through life on my own. I need to rely on my Heavenly Father and turn to the scriptures more. I have no doubt that I am going to grow stronger in the gospel because of this. That is something I guess I can be grateful for in this time when being grateful is difficult. As hard as it will be to count my blessings this Christmas season, I know that I have so many things to be grateful for. I am going to strive to focus on those things, and on the ways that I can grow from this trial, instead of wallowing about my sorrows.